The Pressure to Perform
“The lie I sometimes feel is that I am what I accomplish.” – young adult
Can you hear the voices? I know you can. They’re constant. They’re loud. And, for most kids, they’re overwhelming. Take a trip to a youth soccer game. When you get there, just listen. Don’t talk, just listen. Listen to all of the voices pushing and pushing these mere kids to perform. It doesn’t just happen on the field or court, it happens in the classroom, in social settings, on social networks, and even in our homes. Kids today are growing up feeling like they have to perform everywhere they go, and their sense of worth is tied to their achievements. One young adult shared in a conversation about this topic, “Everything that is an output from a young person is tied to some sort of approval.”
Did you catch that? Kids today are being made to feel that they have to perform in order to gain approval. They have to produce in order to be loved. They have few places in life where they feel like they don’t have to perform. Life is simply one constant competition. They know that they are being evaluated in almost every conversation and every interaction.
Now, I know what you might be thinking. Here comes the “pastor talk” about how performance is not important and how we should be thinking on a higher plane. Well, that’s partially true. As a former athlete, long-time high school football coach, and an all-around competitive guy, I am all about some performance. As a dad, I certainly want to encourage my kids to perform to the best of their abilities and reach for the stars. For most of us, there is real tension with this bag. You might ask, “What’s wrong with pushing my kids to perform? They are going to have to learn how to perform sooner or later. You have to perform to survive in the world!” On most levels, I agree.
The question is, “At what cost?” I know a lot of stories of kids who were pushed and pushed to perform in sports and walked away from it all early in high school because they were tired of the pressure. I have known college students who were pressured to perform academically while in high school so they could get into the right school, only to hate that school once they arrived. If you simply listen to young adults, you can hear them asking whether or not all of the sacrifice, damaged relationships, and lost time was worth it. I think we need to start asking ourselves, “What does success look like for our kids as they grow up?” If we play into the idea that success equals performance, then we are contributing to our kids packing some huge emotional baggage in their lives that will go far beyond what they accomplish in life. One young adult said, “We equate performance with being a good person.” So, our kids are measuring where they stack up morally based on how they perform!
I believe there is a way we can help our kids reach their potential while keeping them from packing the performance bag. I want for my kids to do their best, not feel the pressure to be the best at everything they do. There’s a big difference between the two. In a world where very few kids are going to be the best, what does that mean for the rest of the crowd? I can tell you for sure that most kids and young adults today are crumbling under the pressure to perform in several ways. There are a few things that we as parents can do to help our kids not be so crushed by the pressure to perform:
1. Remind them that you love them no matter what and their identity is not rooted in their performance. If our kids feel securely loved by their parents and they don’t feel like they have to somehow earn our approval, they will be much healthier as they grow up.
2. Reduce the pressure in your home. As parents, we have the opportunity to either increase or reduce the pressure at home. I suggest reducing the pressure. I recommend turning down the heat. Allow your home to be a place of refuge and rest for your kids, not another pressure-cooker of performance. Figure out how you can appropriately push and prod your kids so they can accomplish their goals. Notice, I said their goals, not yours. This may be one of the hardest things for us as parents to do.
3. Praise them for their Godly qualities (not their performance). Look for opportunities to catch your kids not just doing something good, but train yourself to see them exhibiting qualities that flow from their Creator. Help them see when God is working through them in the way they show kindness, generosity, patience, or self-control. Reinforce the Fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) and encourage your kids when they display these qualities in their daily lives. Offer them frequent verbal encouragement in the direction you want for them to go, and don’t reserve your praise for only when they perform. Praise them for the way you see God at work in them and through them.
This post is an adaptation from the upcoming book BAGS: Helping Your Kids Lighten the Load